How to choose readings, poems and music for a funeral

Introduction

A funeral or memorial is a chance to come together, to support each other and to remember someone’s life. Choosing the right funeral readings, poems and music for a funeral can make the day feel more personal, warm and true to the person who died.

Whatever kind of funeral you are planning, the words and music you include can help everyone remember and reflect, and can give comfort at a difficult time.

Think about the type of funeral you are planning

Before making your choices you will need to think about the type of service, and check whether there are instructions already in place.

Sometimes people leave wishes or instructions about what they would like for their funeral. This might be in a letter of wishes kept with a will, or specified as part of a pre-paid funeral plan. What’s requested might range from a few words of guidance to a complete detailed plan including hymns, music and readings.

You’ll also need to consider what kind of service or gathering you are arranging. If you are having a religious funeral, you’ll need to speak with the person who will be leading the service. They can guide you on what is allowed and appropriate for the type of service, and suggest hymns, prayers or readings.

For a non-religious or less traditional memorial event you may have more freedom to include poems, music (recorded or live) and personal stories. Some families choose a celebration of life rather than a formal service, which can include anything from favourite songs to short films or picture slideshows.

Check the venue

Sometimes the place where the funeral or memorial is being held may place limits on what’s possible. What you can include will depend on whether it’s a religious place of worship, a crematorium or a venue used for many different types of event. What technology or facilities they have will also make a difference. It’s worth checking the following.

Do they have a sound system for recorded music?
Can live musicians play instruments?
Is there a screen or projector if you want to show photos or videos?

Once you know what’s possible you can go on to choose what you want to include.

Readings and poems

A poem or reading can be an important part of a service. It gives space for reflection and can offer comfort. Sometimes it can be hard to find your own words after someone dies. But writers and poets have been talking about life, death and grief for centuries. There is almost certainly something out there that expresses what you want to say.

What to choose

There is no single “right” reading or poem. You might pick:

Something that reminds you of the person who died.
A piece of writing they loved – perhaps from a book, or a poem they often quoted.
Words with a comforting or hopeful message, like an uplifting funeral reading about love, nature, or memory.

You can look online for inspiration, search through their own books or papers, or use published collections of funeral readings. Some families choose to write something new themselves – a short letter, a memory, a poem or a few words about what the person meant to them. This can stand alongside a longer or more traditional eulogy from a family member or the officiant.

Who should read

Think carefully about who might deliver readings. It is often most meaningful if it’s someone who had a bond with the person who died. At the same time, standing up and reading can be emotional, and many people are nervous of public speaking. Don’t feel pressured if it’s not right for you and try to be understanding if others don’t want to do it.

Remember the purpose is to share something that matters. The goal is not a perfect performance, and people will understand if you are not an experienced or confident public speaker.

It can help to practice the reading so you are familiar with it. Try and read slowly and clearly. Nerves often make people rush, so try to go slower than feels natural. It’s a good idea to have a back-up reader in case emotions become too strong on the day. Often whoever is leading the service will offer to step in.

Music for a funeral or memorial

Music often sets the tone of the service. Music can tap into emotions that are difficult to express in words. Sharing music, whether it’s taking part or just listening, helps people feel connected.

In a church or chapel, hymns are common. If you choose hymns, think about whether the people attending will be familiar with it and able to join in. The officiant can suggest popular choices, or you might select favourites of the person who died.

Many venues now allow recorded tracks or live musicians. You might choose:

Songs the person loved to sing along to.
A piece of music that reminds you of a special time.
Something that reflects their personality.

There are no strict rules. Some families mix traditional hymns with modern funeral readings and popular songs. Others build the whole service around the person’s taste in music. It could include classical, folk, jazz, or even a football anthem.

Putting it all together

Talking to close family and friends, and others who are involved such as your funeral director, officiant or faith leader can help you decide on the right choices for your own situation. You don’t need to include too many elements, but thinking about or asking the people who were closest to the person who has died can make sure that different people’s wishes are respected.

If the person who died left instructions, it can be comforting to know you are following their wishes. But if not, choosing things that reflect their life, values, or sense of humour is a good way to honour them.

Remember too that the choices are for the people attending. Sometimes the most meaningful reading or piece of music is the one that brings comfort to those who are grieving.

Frequently asked questions about poems, reading and music at funerals

Can you use non-religious readings and poems in a religious service?

This depends on the church or religious establishment. Many are open to non-religious readings and secular music, but it’s a good idea to check with the officiant first.

What if I’m too upset to read on the day of the funeral?

It’s normal to feel emotional and people will understand. Ask someone else to be ready to step in just in case. Often the person leading the service will be ready to take over. That way you won’t feel pressured, and you’ll know the words will still be shared.

Where can I find funeral poems or readings?

You can search online for “funeral poems” or “funeral readings” and specify if there is anything you’d like covered. You can also check poetry books and collections, or look through the person’s own books or writings. Asking your funeral director or religious leader is also a good idea – they will have a lot of experience and suggestions.

Trustestate can help

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